My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
