Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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