the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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