I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
