Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
