you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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