Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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