Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
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Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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