Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
