I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
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He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
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I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
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