i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
