why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
