All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize