My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
