so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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