i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
