I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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