I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
