I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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