if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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