Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
