I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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