It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
