kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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