So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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