i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
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Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
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Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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