dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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