I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
