maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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