They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
