3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
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