I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
