Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
