So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
