Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's official drugs can't kill me
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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