Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
