omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
