it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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