I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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