Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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