We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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