I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i out mim tonsoeep
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