hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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