I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
