I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You are the jesus of drinking
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