Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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