and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
