Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
