i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
