i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
