remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
