My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If its not for food we ain't going out.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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