i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This is the high leading the old right now
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
