I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
