both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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