The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
