Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
